Why does a person get defensive

When your assumptions have no basis in reality, then you must admit that your assumptions are just that—your assumptions. Assumptions with evidence will force you to challenge the accuracy of your feelings.

If you notice that someone is embarrassed and is starting to become defensive, you might want to explore the situation and see if you can identify what they are thinking about themselves. If you can do that, then you can counter any perceived assumptions with the facts. It is important to be supportive, honest, and sincere with anyone who may become embarrassed, whether you feel that embarrassment is justified or not. We will all become defensive at some time.

Understanding the basis for your defensiveness will allow you to gain control of your feelings and make a choice about how you want to respond.

Attempting to understand the defensiveness of others will keep you from taking their behavior personally and place you in a position to react rationally so that the emotions of the moment will not negatively influence your interactions.

First Name. MPP employees serve at the pleasure of Why Do People Become Defensive? Six Factors That Influence Defensiveness. John R. His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such companies as Cox Communications, Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, and AbbVie.

Connect with him on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter. Once someone has been belittled, demeaned, threatened, or perceived that they have been, they anticipate that it will happen again, so they tend to be on guard. This characteristic often arises because a person has been made to feel less than or may have been criticized for what they think.

Because our experience gives rise to what we think, anything outside the realm of our experience is usually categorically rejected. If your partner forgets to call, you need to express how you feel. Saying, "I'm upset you didn't call when you said you would" is not defensive but open and honest. It gives your partner the benefit of the doubt, allowing, in the best of circumstances, for them to repair the situation with a simple, "I'm sorry.

How can I make this situation better? The "conflict cycle" goes like this: connect, rupture, protest, repair, and reconnect. The two most important steps of an "ideal conflict" are protest and repair. Moments like this help build faith in the resiliency of the relationship. Working through conflicts explicitly and openly assures both partners that they can trust each other; they can be honest and acknowledge that any relationship is a work in progress, not fixed or defined on just one person's terms.

Remember, when it comes time to protest, be sure your complaint is stated considerately enough not to punish or shame your loved one. Of course, it's difficult to give and receive healthy criticism if we're clinging to a defensive attitude. If you feel yourself become defensive, try to see if you can simply acknowledge it and work through the conflict as honestly and generously as possible.

If your partner is giving you criticism that is making you feel defensive, can you express why? It's important that you learn to work through defensive behavior in a relationship because if we don't learn how to deal with our grievances head-on, inevitably we deal with them indirectly. Most often this surfaces in more toxic forms: by teasing or making snide comments, holding grudges, or by growing more indifferent to our partner over time. We are hardwired for both connection to others and protection for ourselves.

In the first stage of love, when we're infatuated by the freshness and excitement of new romance, we anticipate the best in our new partner. And we're rewarded because each thing they say and do activates the connection center of our brain.

We view their actions, intentions, and language through the lens of our positive vision. As the chemistry of the "honeymoon phase" shifts, a second kind of circuitry emerges, one that is about sustainable connection.

So in times of defensiveness—when your natural self-protection instincts set in—see if you can tap into our naturally coexistent desire to connect. Remember the enduring connection from that first stage of love, and try to access the feelings that first made you predisposed toward generosity and understanding at the outset of your relationship. When we experience our partner as a threat, we withdraw to protect ourselves from further injury.

Yet withdrawal and disconnection are what continue to create trouble. At the heart of our vulnerability lies the feeling that we've been hurt by someone we love. We may ache for them to "return" and reconnect, yet our behavior is the last thing that would invite them back. Be vulnerable with the person, and take some responsibility for the situation.

I was never seen. I know how much you like your show. But it actually hurts and brings me back to that place of being a kid again. Focus on your feelings. She suggested using this sentence structure: Say how you felt your emotion when they did what they did their behavior.

Ask meaningful questions. Deep down, it might be the little kid feeling as if they are not good enough and they need your compassion. Is there something I said that makes you feel like you need to protect yourself? Did my comment make you feel attacked or hurt in any way? But losing your cool just adds fuel to the fire, Estes said. Sometimes, you can do all the right things to have a constructive conversation—watch your words, be vulnerable—and the other person still gets defensive.

Binge eaters and people with other eating disorders often react defensively when someone confronts them about eating too much or too little, or for purging after eating.

Many people that deal with binge eating find that support groups can be very helpful. Clinical psychology is helpful for people that react defensively on a regular basis, as well as other people that are in a relationship with a defensive person. A qualified therapist is able to put together an anxiety treatment program for people dealing with a panic disorder or other mental disorder.

Your therapist can also help you to find an appropriate support group if you need one. Marriage and family therapy is designed to help people feel secure and non-defensive as they work on problem solving together. Typically, after a few therapeutic sessions, people feel like they can communicate better. People that lie very often get defensive. Chronic liars may appear fidgety and uncomfortable.

Not only do they get defensive, they may go on and on. They tend to give an excess of information in an attempt to try to justify their position.

They believe that excessive talking will motivate others to believe them. Social media has become a haven for controversial discussions and public arguments.

Many people find this difficult at first but realise after a couple of days that social media made them feel worse rather than better. Here's a brief explanation of what it is, how to recognize it, and what to do about it. Defining Defensive Behavior To understand defensive behavior, you need to think about what it means to defend. Source: pexels. What Are the Consequences of Defensive Behavior? Recognizing Defensive Behavior Recognizing defensive behavior in someone else is usually fairly easy.

Source: unsplash. They make a lot of excuses. They blame you for the problem. They say that you did the same thing that you're unhappy about them doing. They talk a lot about why they caused the problem, trying to justify their behavior. They focus on things you've done wrong at other times rather than the current issue.

They try to tell you how you feel. Here are some of the behaviors to avoid if you don't want to elicit defensive behavior from those around you: Your words and actions are focused on judging, criticizing, or evaluating the person you're talking to.

You treat the other person as an object rather than a human with feelings. Your words and actions seem carefully designed for some purpose other than interacting with them. If people think you're being fake to get something you want, they may become defensive. Your words and actions seem to be geared toward controlling the other person. They may be even more defensive if it seems like you're hiding the motives behind your behavior.

You emphasize that you're superior to the other person. You're so sure that you know the right answers and the real truth that you aren't willing to entertain the possibility that you might be wrong or even to listen to the other side. These are the behaviors that make defensive behavior less likely: Rather than placing a judgment on the person you're talking to, you merely describe whatever actions, words, or qualities you want to discuss.

You show care, concern and empathy for them. Instead of planning out what you're going to get from someone and the words and actions that you think will get it, you stay focused on the present moment and respond to what's happening right now.

You don't try to control someone else with your words and behavior. Instead, you try to work with them to solve a problem that's coming between you. You treat the other person like an equal person. Even if you may have certain things or abilities they don't have, you do see them as an equal partner in solving the problem. You take an investigative approach rather than taking sides.

You honestly consider the other person's viewpoint. How to Manage Your Own Defensive Behavior What can you do if you realize you're engaging in a lot of destructive defensive behavior? What is defensive behavior? How do you use defensive in a sentence? What do you call a defensive person?

What is the synonym for defense? What is the antonym of defense? What are the best ways to learn new words? Get creative with the arts, writing, writing, writing and writing some more forces you to look for new words to get your point across If you have a child in school, it can be easier to help them learn new words.

How can I learn new words?